Comments on: What do you think of the first chapter of my book. Constructive criticism welcome. :D.

By: Jonathan H

Jonathan H — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

ur basic desent attempt good try but no star potential try adding symbolizm like she woke up feeling as if the day had decided itself like a battle that couldnt be won

By: Kanaori

Kanaori — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Aah this is very interesting. It makes me want to read more.

By: between

between — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Its very interesting. It does make me want to read more. The story line seems very good. The only part that made me cringe was the Friday the 13th thing. It just seems a bit cliche to me. But that is just to me. The bit describing Seth and his thoughts, after Lorelei bumped into him, already sold us on the fact that despite his appearance, he is a sweet alright guy. So I think the line. ” I can feel the warmth and kindness isn’t needed. Also it doesn’t seemed like something a16 year old in any place real or fiction would ever say.

Keep it up you never know what will happen with it. I hope you get it publish. Best of Luck.

By: CoCo

CoCo — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE IT. MORE. ME WANTS MORE. MOREEEE. (by the way, the side helping thingy in Yahoo. Answers is giving me a msg telling me not to use all caps, cuz its perceived as shouting.which i was. =P) MOREEEEEEEE. You see, I’m an author myself.not published, but just writes for the sake of writing. Ive completed two of my books up till now, have started a second in a trilogy, and have eight incomplete (not abandoned, mind) left lying around. And reading. Oh God, do i love to read. And the ironic (or maybe not so ironic) thing is that i like fantasy and romance settings the best. =) I’m also into mystery and suspense and the detective-y stuff. =P But, anyway.ahem.constructive criticism.the beginning is kind of.not flowing. Its very well written, and i understand what you’re trying to convey to your readers.and its getting there too.its just a little out of proportion. If you’d contact me on yahoo email, id love to help you out. =) And then.Bloodgood is a kinda creepy name, if you ask me. Original. Yes. Inventive. Yes. Creepy. Definitely YES. And then this thing: “I can feel the warmth and kindness radiating from you. What’s your name.” its kinda *not* what guys usually say. Maybe you could be like, He thought, ‘I can feel the warmth and kindness radiating from her.’ Then he asked her, “Whats your name.”
But anyway, its EXTREMELY good, and like i demanded before: MORE MORE MORE. =) Hope you’re in contact with me, if not for advice then at least for more updates. =)

By: abracadabra [of Gallifrey]

abracadabra [of Gallifrey] — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

The beginning makes it feel like you are trying too hard. It seems that you were thoughtfully descriptive but it summoned no imagery. Just try not to force out the details; relax and let them come. Use more imagery-invoking phrases instead of trite descriptions.

Definitely don’t give up. Good luck and have fun.

By: neng_tata

neng_tata — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Nice opening. I loved the character already.

But for the part –>“I can feel the warmth and kindness radiating from you.” –> is it necessary. or is it possible for a guy with ‘long spiked hair, multiple piercings, and massive height’ to talked that way.
why can’t he just say, “Geez, sorry about that. What’s your name.”

That’s just my opinion. No offends.