What do you think of the first chapter of my book. Constructive criticism welcome. :D.

By on July 30th, 2009

I’m writing a fantasy/romance young adult novel called The Black Crane. some constructive criticism, please.

(And for some reason, it’s not letting me indent, so that’s why the paragraphing is so horrid. sorry. ^^; )

Lorelei Roux hurried through the hallways of Spring-stead Academy. This Friday had already started out terribly, and it would probably worsen throughout the entire school day.
She had woken up about twenty minutes later than usual, and consequently, had no time to straighten, wash, or even brush her bushy head of bright red hair. When she was dressed in her school uniform, she stumbled down the grand staircase in her house to the kitchen, where she proceeded to burn (and, sadly, eat) a piece of toast.
When she was finally ready to go, she saw a note from her driver on the refrigerator, reading:
“Out on errand. Be back soon.”
She groaned in frustration. Neither her father nor her mother were at home, and so, not only did she not have a driver, but she was missing a vehicle to begin with.
What she did have, however, was a bicycle.
She rode this bicycle all the way to school through pouring rain, harsh wind, fierce lightning, and a bit of hail, knocking over her neighbor’s mailbox and running over a small child in the process.
And, of course, what day should this occur on but Friday, October 13, her sixteenth birthday.

Seth Hartell ambled to his homeroom class. He still had five minutes, and didn’t want to look like an angry duck. So he took his time.
His leisurely stroll was cut short when a petite, frantic, redhead ran straight into his chest. He fell back, the wind gone from his body.
For such a tiny girl, she can really hurt a guy, he thought.
“Watch where you’re going.” Seth shouted.
“I’m sorry. You’re right, I wasn’t looking, I just—” the girl squeaked.
“Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t cut it.” he snapped.
She lifted her arms and bowed her head defensively. A pang of guilt stabbed him like a knife.
He could tell she was afraid of him, but he couldn’t understand why she would think he would hurt her. Seth thought that he, with his long spiked hair, multiple piercings, and massive height, was perfectly approachable.
“Jeez, sorry about that,” he said softly. “Are you okay.”
“I’m fine, thank you,” she said, her voice and lip trembling delicately.
“I can feel the warmth and kindness radiating from you. What’s your name.”
They had barely exchanged these niceties when they were interrupted by the tardy bell.

Damon Bloodgood saw, at the door of his office, a bright red-haired young lady, soaked to the bone. She knocked on the door.
She must be a sophomore, he thought mockingly. Ah well. I suppose I should let her in.
“Come in,” he yawned.
She opened the door, trying not to drop the stack of water-logged textbooks that (he assumed) had fallen from her bag.
“May I help you.” he sang.
She blushed and shifted the books to her right arm.
“I need a pass,” she said quietly.
“Would it be much of an imposition if I were to ask why.” he queried.
“Not at all. My, umm… driver… kind of… left… me,” she mumbled.
Damon chuckled. This had happened to him when he was her age. He understood completely.
“Don’t be embarrassed. That happened to me all the time.” he laughed. “Now, what’s your name.”
“Lorelei Roux.”
Damon’s heart stopped.
“What.” he asked quietly.
“Lorelei Roux. L-O-R-”
He already knew how her name was spelled. He knew everything about her. So this was the girl he had been told to find.
“Are you okay. You’re really pale,” she worried.
“Fine. I’m fine,” he said absentmindedly. He wrote her a note for an excuse absence and handed it to her. She took it and turned around to leave.
“Ms. Roux.” he called.
She twisted her head around towards him.
“Yes.”
“Take a seat,” he rasped.

Lorelei obliged and sat down in a plush chair facing Damon.
She was terrified. Mr. Bloodgood, the new counselor, had a reputation for being cold and mean, despite his friendly appearance. He was prone to snapping at students for something as little as an askew tie.
He’s staring at me, she thought.
She felt dreadfully exposed. What was she to do. Of course… she could stare back.
Bloodgood was very young, about twenty-one or twenty-two years old. His long silvery blonde hair was neatly tied with a velvet ribbon. A piece of his hair went down to cover one of his violet eyes, which were framed with long dark lashes, and his high-bridged nose tied it all together into a very European look.
Now she knew why her female classmates (and some males) swooned whenever he passed by.
“Lorelei Nanette Roux…” he finally broke the silence. “My, how you’ve grown.”
“Excuse me.”
“I haven’t seen you since you were a child. You look exactly as I’d hoped. Si
Thank you so much for everybody’s input so far– I’m going to try and incorporate it into my next edit.

Can’t wait for more advice.