How can I make my partner realise that the DIY really needs doing.
By
on
May 29th, 2009
Arghh. I have my first baby due in 16 weeks, and although some of you may think that this is quite a while, I am panicking.
My partners house where we live is a right tip, to be honest, im quite ashamed to live there,and I wont have anyone round to visit. We have no kitchen ceiling, which has been like that for 5 years, no central heating, all the skirtings have been chewed from his two staffordshire bull terriers, no carpet on the stairs. the list is endless, I could write forever.
So far, all the promises of getting things done round the house have not materialised. I really dont want to bring our baby back to the home the state it is in. and I dont think im any good at plastering walls/ laying carpets myself so how can I make him realise that its not a joke, it really does need to be done before baby is here. He has all the tools for it, and to be honest Im beginning to think he is just pure bone idol.
I have even told him that If the house is not done to a clean standard when the baby is born, then he will be returning to the house alone until he gets it done.
Without trying to sound like a moaning pregnant woman, this is really serious.
I think some of you have got the wrong impression here. because I dont nag at him at all.that could be why he doesnt see the panic. I have learnt that nagging at men gets you nowhere. And im pretty sure the lady to told me to “get a grip” wouldnt really like to have no carpets and a baby.
I can see here that all im going to get is negative comments. not an actual answer to my question, so is there anyone out there who can actually give me some proper advice and not start biting at me.
Jane H says:
When you find the answer, let me know.
nitro 7: why should she get ’support’ from others when she has a perfectly capable man of her own to do it. If you had a daughter, would you go round and decorate her house if she had a man who lives with her but wouldn’t do it. Er, no.
May 29th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Nitro 7 says:
Just calm down. How about getting a little support from others, like your parents or his parents. That would work financially.
May 29th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Stumpy says:
Now, as a bloke I can tell you there is an art to this. We do not respond to daily nagging (note the 1 year leaky tap in my kitchen). Nor do we enjoy doing the DIY when surrounded by partners / children, it is just too dangerous and the smart a*sed comments really get us down. The biggest stumbling block however is the need to retrieve tools & materials from the loft / shed / B&Q etc.
So to get the work done:
1. Stop nagging
2. Take yourself away for a weekend
3. Get the tools etc ready for him.
But, most importantly, to give the final push needed, just tell him you have arranged for a professional to come round and do it, and would he mind paying him once complete.
May 29th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
baymast13 says:
Get a grip. Carpeting on the stairs, or lack thereof, will have no detrimental effect on the baby. Neither will chewed skirtings or lack of a finished ceiling. I will admit, the central heating does need to be addressed before next fall.
If you feel the house is not clean enough to bring a baby into, get off your duff and start cleaning. You’re only 5 months pregnant, for goodness sake. You only need to observe a modicum of common sense, otherwise there’s no reason you can’t clean and do simple repairs.
I get the image of the poor man working at a job all day, then coming home to you laying on the couch carrying on about everything that needs to be done. I hope I’m wrong. If I’m not, expect to end up raising that baby without him.
The way I get a man to do what I want is 1: Pick a day when he’s off work, and has no other obligations. 2: Gather all the supplies necessary for the particular job you want to accomplish. Only pick one job at a time, men aren’t famous for multi-tasking. 3: Tell him in advance. For instance, “Tomorrow I want to get those stairs carpeted, okay.” Men don’t like to be ambushed. This gives him some time to think about it, and get in the mind-set. Finally, help him. You want it done, be willing to put a little sweat equity into it. It won’t hurt you or the baby to do a little work. When it’s done, if it’s not perfect, bite your tongue. Praise him lavishly for his efforts. That will make it easier to get the next job done. Men want praise, they just don’t always know what to do or when to do it.
Trust me, this will get you better results than laying around b****ing all day long.
May 29th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
justme says:
If I were you I would prioritize the list — central heating is probably the most important thing. Then, discuss the list with your partner, deciding who can take care of which tasks (ie if you can’t do the actual work, you will arrange for the materials, help out, etc). Also discuss deadlines, with the understanding that professionals will be called if the most pressing things aren’t done. Last — get some do it yourself books. Some things are much easier than you think, such as replacing molding, fixing walls etc. Try to find some things you would feel comfortable trying to do yourself — just watch out that you’re not working with materials that could be dangerous for the baby.
Good Luck & Congrats on the little one.
May 29th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
think says:
Post this on fridge.
make up a to do list titled “Honey Do List”.drop down a couple of lines for each item and then randomly pick an item write in a name of a (hypothetical) contractor for that job do not include phone number.when he asks tell him you are getting quotes.
see if that works.
oh by the way do not tell my wife I told you this.
May 29th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Cynthia B says:
The user, justme, gave the best answer.
I’ve been married for twenty-nine years, to a man whose byline is, “I’ll do it later.” Of course, later never comes.
I found that the best way to get him to do anything is to say, “We can’t go without a working sink anymore. I’m calling the plumber tomorrow.” That usually gets him moving.
May 29th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Chief Whachusa says:
In all honesty I do not think telling him, he would be alone in the house until things get done is at all helpful. After all I imagine that he was alone before you and the house was probably already beginning to be in the state you know it to be.
You mention that he has all the tools for these repairs, does he have the knowledge and cash for doing these repairs. Most people understand and accept that there are “chores” that need to be done even if you work a full time job.
You are due in about 4 months, let him know that you are getting a list of repairs rank them in the order you see as important. Add in a time frame for the 3 most important ones but keep it realistic. It seems to me that unless you push some issues your partner will continue to dance around the repairs.
In handing him the list make sure you speak to him about what he needs to be done for him to do these repairs when he comes home.
Such as:
Getting supplies and tools ready
Having dinner ready to eat so he can start afterward
Be encouraging with words and affection
Plan rewards like showers together and back rubs when he is on a roll with repairs
Ask if he needs a friend to give a helping hand or offer to help him yourself.
Remember that any repair done with care gets ohhs and ahhs do not put down his efforts. Badly laid carpeting on the stairs is better than none. If a job needs to be reworked bring it up civilly and with tact to keep arguments small.
Be ready to allow him a break if he gets certain repairs or a number of repairs done, do this especially if he works a full time job.
If all fails to motivate him, talk with him about someone else coming into his home and doing these repairs. Do not make it a threaten ultimatum just let him know that maybe with all he has on his plate that hiring someone might be a more reasonable solution.
Otherwise you might be surprised at what you could do on your own. Most home repairs are simple and easy enough to learn. Do you have a written list or is everything needing repairs just talk back and forth.
It may even help to try and do a couple of these yourself, my profile is open if you need any advise with the how and what to repair.
Good luck Sarah with both repairs and the upcoming new baby.
May 29th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
JACK J says:
very simple.if you’ve been asking for as long as you say, it’s not going to get done. hire someone and be done with it. when he complains about having to pay for it, say i asked you get it done and you wouldn’t. so i handled it.
May 29th, 2009 at 10:35 pm