Comments on: Can I have some opinions on some writing please.

By: Pinkflamingo55

Pinkflamingo55 — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Well- I think it’s amazing. I don’t have any bad feedback.I think it could definitely be published.

Well done

By: Charlotte R

Charlotte R — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Your good just develop your own style a bit more because I can see allot of influences from other writing styles in there .that’s not a bad thing but yeah you will be fine

By: Pencil

Pencil — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

To much detail.The reader will get bored. Get to plot a little quicker. Your terminology is good. Not brilliant but good.

By: Jude

Jude — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

I think it is very good. It needs some editing and polishing. Think about simplifying some of the language. However I think you are evoking a great atmosphere, and it also makes me want to find out more. Keep going.

By: Daisyhill

Daisyhill — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

You obviously have a talent.but since you asked for criticism I’ll give it. I am being picky.but that will only help you. First.the use of the word “reside” .the first time you use it it is not necessary.”lived” would have been better. It’s always best to choose the simplest word. Then shortly after this you describe books “residing” everywhere.which is bad for two reasons.first, you have just used the word.and second books can’t reside. They can “be”.far better to say.”there were books everywhere”.

My next criticism is that you explain far too much about her surroundings and not enough about her.the reader needs to have their interest piqued.they want to know who SHE is.what she is about.what does she want. If you go into such lengthy explanations about her home then it becomes like reading an estate agents brochure.

You need to get to the action at the start.the reader needs to be curious.character is shown through ACTION.DOING.and it is these thigs which make people want to read.

By: WENDEL HOMES

WENDEL HOMES — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

I like it, although it does begin slightly as so many others do but perhaps this is a good thing as you need to start somewhere, then it broadens into what begins to pull at the imagination and holds your attention as to who where a what is about to unfold.
Yes I like it.

By: roguecosmos02

roguecosmos02 — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Well, I think the first sentence can do without the amendment via semi-colon (“because she found the surrounding…”). Just that first part of the sentence would be a good intro because it makes the reader wonder why, and want to continue on. The secondary part can be added later on in the story, if you wish.

The following sentences, with all of the details, seem a bit too much to me. It’s hard to process all at once. Try to integrate those details more with actions. For example, show her running a hand through her hair, and use that to take the opportunity to describe what her hair looks like. Have her walk by the bookshelf and have her notice what it looks like. Give us action instead of pure exposition. Also, avoid passive voice when there is an action. (“A hand was gently placed on the back of her shoulder…”)

On the positive side though, great way of wording things. In most parts, it flows pretty well.

By: Elisheba

Elisheba — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Send me a copy when finished, great minds think alike.

By: CameronStone

CameronStone — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve paid for worse.

Actually, if I was marking GCSE coursework and found this among my pile, I would be very pleasantly surprised. There’s some minor errors, mainly to do with punctuation, which would be easily fixed. Although your style is a little dry for my taste, the truth is that there is a good market for fiction like this (Secret Garden - (big hit, but I hated it and forgot the author within ten minutes of abandoning the third chapter).

I was interested to note that most of the comments you have attracted seem to criticise different elements of your prose, which suggests to me that each criticism is based on the persons individual taste, rather than an underlying fault in your work.

If you can learn to edit your work (better still, find an editor to do it for you,) and you consistently write at that level or above, then you might be able to make a living at this. (Be warned- I say MIGHT. I’ve been doing it for seven years, and I still have a second job to pay the bills, although hopefully that’s about to change . . .)

Work hard, get used to rejection, and make sure that you’re doing it for the love of it.

Good luck.

By: king richard

king richard — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

one word: wow
you’re something special x